Online dating he never asks questions. My Boyfriend Doesn’t Ask About My Life. Are We Doomed?.



Online dating he never asks questions

Online dating he never asks questions

No, it wouldn't alarm me, because there are many innocent explanations. As long as he seems interested when you do talk about yourself, you're fine. If from start to finish it's all about him 'My day was good--except my boss was blah blah blah' and his opinions, then potentially there are red flags.

If it's definitely a balanced conversation where he does seem genuinely interested in your thoughts and opinions and asks you questions not necessarily the personal history kind, but whether you like this or that, how that thing you told him about the other day worked out, etc , then I wouldn't worry about it for at least another 3 months.

I'd say it implies one of several things: It sounds to me that there are enough positive things about him to keep you around, to keep you guessing.

I'd advise giving it some time. If at some point the irritation and hurt feelings that result are worse than the good things are good, you'll probably want to reconsider your involvement with him.

We just don't know enough, and neither do you. I have lots of theories about why my boyfriend is like this, but honestly what it boils down to seems to be: As an introvert and someone naturally shy, I've historically assumed that people don't want to hear about me if they don't ask -- but as a naturally gregarious person, he has always assumed that people want to hear about him unless they tell him to shut up!

And until we figured out that we were each expecting the other to be like ourselves, he was frustrated that I was so quiet, and I was frustrated that he was so self-centered that he never asked about me. I might also note that although I'm a question-asker, my questions tend to be "how do you feel about [political issue]? Or in one particularly embarrassing case, although I knew the guy's feelings about religion, politics, art, etc.

Anyway, my point is, is this guy asking any questions about you, your thoughts, or your feelings? Because that might just be a quirk of how he gets to know people. I think you're right to be bothered by this. Keep your radar up. What else would you like to know about me? I guess it'd be equally awkward if he only asked you questions but rarely talked about himself at length You seem to like him, so I'm guessing he didn't come off as self-centered.

It could be that he's too nervous or overthinking things, and he's so worried and focused on what he says and how he comes off, that he forgets to reciprocate. Sometimes in a conversation, I end up almost telling myself mentally, "Okay, now you ask the same thing back, idiot. The fact that he mentions that he agrees you might have a future, but hasn't asked much about you, makes me worried he only sees this as a potential physical relationship.

But I guess obliquicity has shown that it may not be such a big deal in the long run, and I'm sure there will be others. It may be a variant of Ask versus Guess. If it bothers you that he doesn't know this stuff, you can always subtly bring it in to existing conversations. I find that some people are not big fans of ping-pong interview-style getting-to-know-you conversations.

They especially don't like it if you sound like you're ticking off checkboxes on a survey. They prefer for things to come up "organically" and feel that these things will come up naturally over time, and they will talk about it then. For example, when you asked him about his siblings: Perhaps he feels that the number of siblings you have is irrelevant to discerning your character, or will not make him like you any more or any less. Getting to know someone doesn't mean taking turns asking each other questions.

It's more about the time spent with each other than the talking. Some of the most revealing things about a person's character come up through their behavior, not their words. Try not to ask questions for the sake of asking or because you want to reveal something about yourself.

If you have an anecdote, share it. If he picks up on one of its points, great. If not, move on to the next topic. If you have to ask questions, try to only ask specific questions if you're already on the subject, and make it less about data points where he went to school and more about explorations of motivations why he picked that major , something open-ended.

As long as you're talking and enjoying each other's company, as long as he respects you and your time, and cares enough about you to seek you out, you should be fine. Meeting one time does not make -or break- a relationship. Give it until date three before making it a direct question. BTW, online relationships often the same way they would in meatspace relationships, according to the individual personalities. Please keep in mind that people are usually on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship.

So then, it is clear to me why something seems "off" to you. A wise woman once told me, and I've always found it to be true, that people tell you who they are and what they want if you listen.

You seem to think his behavior is telling you something I'm going to support that feeling you have. I'll make absolutely no guesses regarding this fellow's character or motives. His behavior might be totally benign, as many above have offered.

And if it turns out you are not the type to believe in the protective powers of unicorn tears Maybe google individually his name, his mobil and work phone numbers in"", and any internet nicknames you know he uses?

I mean, maybe you'd be smart to be curious about this guy's deal because you met him online? Part of it may well come from being quite shy and introverted; I know it was in my case. And my shyness, lasting as it did well into my 20s, left me with quite poor conversation skills.

Years later, I've found I can happily answer any and all questions, and I'm fine when it comes to discussing things in my immediate environment. But for whatever reason, it makes me really nervous to ask people questions about themselves. Asking even the most basic question makes me feel like I'm prying and getting too intimate. It takes a real conscious effort to get past that feeling. So what I'm saying is that this may be a skill he just hasn't managed to master yet.

I know I still find it quite difficult, although I am working on it. If he's anything like me, this probably bears no relation to his interest in you or in his desire to get to know you. He may just be a slightly stunted conversationalist who needs a bit of friendly nurturing in that direction.

Things like that can be fun without feeling threatening. And you can even introduce it without mentioning your concerns. If you want to Googlestalk someone, ok, but what is the point you're making? He's some kind of serial dater? There's a support group for his exes to talk about how he's so self-centered?

I'm completely lost on why you suggested this If I meet someone who I click with, I tend not to ask a lot of questions at first, I prefer to hear what the other person wants to share with me. That tells me a lot about how they are. In fact, on many occasions, guys have asked me, "Okay, go ahead and ask me anything you want On the other hand, I don't require being asked many question to reveal things, I share openly, and as long as the other person seems receptive to what I'm sharing, I continue.

I've come to realize I expect other people to act the same way. I think if you really click and "have a future" there may be even less need for questioning I agree with other posters who say you have to look at this behavior in a larger context. My SO is one of the sweetest, most unselfish people I've ever known, so with him I know it's not self-absorbtion, but if the guy shows other signs of not being very into you, I'd cut him loose. Such people indicate a direction they would like a conversation to go without heaving on the tiller.

If you find yourself providing answers to the questions you might expect to be asked directly then this guy may be like that. I don't see that as a big contradiction myself. I guess it depends on how you interpret the statement that the relationship "has a real future" - from my reading, that they have met in real life once, talk of a "real future" just means "let's meet a second time" - it's not like if they had been together for five years where "a real future" would refer to something a lot more permanent.

I mean, at the first date level, I might ask my date about her educational background if it seems important to her, and for sure I like intelligent women, but I can spot what I like better through conversation than through credentials.

I think scheduling a second date without knowing my date's educational background would be completely normal. With university education in America, in particular, asking where someone went to university is kinda similar to asking them how much money they have and how well they score on standardised tests, neither of which I would be in a hurry to reveal much curiosity about.

I'm really not comfortable asking other people questions about their life. She still makes fun of the fact that I'm such a bad reporter of events in other people's lives; I never seem to know what she thinks are important facts about my friends.

We often seem to have conversations where she asks something like, "So is [my friend] still dating [his girlfriend]? I also went out with a guy who, within 15 minutes of the start of of first and only date, asked me why I gave up on my marriage, how much money I made, and why women didn't go for men like him.

That said, I've never done online dating, so maybe it's different. If after several dates, he hasn't asked you any questions about yourself, I'd call that a red flag. I think there's not enough data here.

Any of the possibilities mentioned above could be true. Then I went back to the OP and found that you've only actually met once! Any concerns you may have about his online cyberbehavior are way premature. The relationship has no reality until you've been humans together for a few months. I hope you'll give it a little time, and I wish you the best of luck.

As a shy person who is lacking in social skills, I tend to miss asking obvious questions. Sometimes I'm too busy overthinking the situation, or blundering on to the next topic, or just generally feeling uneasy the way I imagine foreign exchange students must feel.

I often later realize that I didn't ask a question to which I really wanted to know the answer.

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Online dating he never asks questions

No, it wouldn't alarm me, because there are many innocent explanations. As long as he seems interested when you do talk about yourself, you're fine.

If from start to finish it's all about him 'My day was good--except my boss was blah blah blah' and his opinions, then potentially there are red flags. If it's definitely a balanced conversation where he does seem genuinely interested in your thoughts and opinions and asks you questions not necessarily the personal history kind, but whether you like this or that, how that thing you told him about the other day worked out, etc , then I wouldn't worry about it for at least another 3 months.

I'd say it implies one of several things: It sounds to me that there are enough positive things about him to keep you around, to keep you guessing. I'd advise giving it some time. If at some point the irritation and hurt feelings that result are worse than the good things are good, you'll probably want to reconsider your involvement with him.

We just don't know enough, and neither do you. I have lots of theories about why my boyfriend is like this, but honestly what it boils down to seems to be: As an introvert and someone naturally shy, I've historically assumed that people don't want to hear about me if they don't ask -- but as a naturally gregarious person, he has always assumed that people want to hear about him unless they tell him to shut up!

And until we figured out that we were each expecting the other to be like ourselves, he was frustrated that I was so quiet, and I was frustrated that he was so self-centered that he never asked about me. I might also note that although I'm a question-asker, my questions tend to be "how do you feel about [political issue]? Or in one particularly embarrassing case, although I knew the guy's feelings about religion, politics, art, etc.

Anyway, my point is, is this guy asking any questions about you, your thoughts, or your feelings? Because that might just be a quirk of how he gets to know people. I think you're right to be bothered by this. Keep your radar up. What else would you like to know about me? I guess it'd be equally awkward if he only asked you questions but rarely talked about himself at length You seem to like him, so I'm guessing he didn't come off as self-centered. It could be that he's too nervous or overthinking things, and he's so worried and focused on what he says and how he comes off, that he forgets to reciprocate.

Sometimes in a conversation, I end up almost telling myself mentally, "Okay, now you ask the same thing back, idiot. The fact that he mentions that he agrees you might have a future, but hasn't asked much about you, makes me worried he only sees this as a potential physical relationship. But I guess obliquicity has shown that it may not be such a big deal in the long run, and I'm sure there will be others. It may be a variant of Ask versus Guess.

If it bothers you that he doesn't know this stuff, you can always subtly bring it in to existing conversations. I find that some people are not big fans of ping-pong interview-style getting-to-know-you conversations. They especially don't like it if you sound like you're ticking off checkboxes on a survey. They prefer for things to come up "organically" and feel that these things will come up naturally over time, and they will talk about it then. For example, when you asked him about his siblings: Perhaps he feels that the number of siblings you have is irrelevant to discerning your character, or will not make him like you any more or any less.

Getting to know someone doesn't mean taking turns asking each other questions. It's more about the time spent with each other than the talking. Some of the most revealing things about a person's character come up through their behavior, not their words. Try not to ask questions for the sake of asking or because you want to reveal something about yourself. If you have an anecdote, share it. If he picks up on one of its points, great. If not, move on to the next topic. If you have to ask questions, try to only ask specific questions if you're already on the subject, and make it less about data points where he went to school and more about explorations of motivations why he picked that major , something open-ended.

As long as you're talking and enjoying each other's company, as long as he respects you and your time, and cares enough about you to seek you out, you should be fine. Meeting one time does not make -or break- a relationship. Give it until date three before making it a direct question. BTW, online relationships often the same way they would in meatspace relationships, according to the individual personalities.

Please keep in mind that people are usually on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. So then, it is clear to me why something seems "off" to you. A wise woman once told me, and I've always found it to be true, that people tell you who they are and what they want if you listen. You seem to think his behavior is telling you something I'm going to support that feeling you have.

I'll make absolutely no guesses regarding this fellow's character or motives. His behavior might be totally benign, as many above have offered. And if it turns out you are not the type to believe in the protective powers of unicorn tears Maybe google individually his name, his mobil and work phone numbers in"", and any internet nicknames you know he uses?

I mean, maybe you'd be smart to be curious about this guy's deal because you met him online? Part of it may well come from being quite shy and introverted; I know it was in my case.

And my shyness, lasting as it did well into my 20s, left me with quite poor conversation skills. Years later, I've found I can happily answer any and all questions, and I'm fine when it comes to discussing things in my immediate environment.

But for whatever reason, it makes me really nervous to ask people questions about themselves. Asking even the most basic question makes me feel like I'm prying and getting too intimate. It takes a real conscious effort to get past that feeling. So what I'm saying is that this may be a skill he just hasn't managed to master yet. I know I still find it quite difficult, although I am working on it. If he's anything like me, this probably bears no relation to his interest in you or in his desire to get to know you.

He may just be a slightly stunted conversationalist who needs a bit of friendly nurturing in that direction. Things like that can be fun without feeling threatening. And you can even introduce it without mentioning your concerns.

If you want to Googlestalk someone, ok, but what is the point you're making? He's some kind of serial dater? There's a support group for his exes to talk about how he's so self-centered?

I'm completely lost on why you suggested this If I meet someone who I click with, I tend not to ask a lot of questions at first, I prefer to hear what the other person wants to share with me. That tells me a lot about how they are. In fact, on many occasions, guys have asked me, "Okay, go ahead and ask me anything you want On the other hand, I don't require being asked many question to reveal things, I share openly, and as long as the other person seems receptive to what I'm sharing, I continue.

I've come to realize I expect other people to act the same way. I think if you really click and "have a future" there may be even less need for questioning I agree with other posters who say you have to look at this behavior in a larger context.

My SO is one of the sweetest, most unselfish people I've ever known, so with him I know it's not self-absorbtion, but if the guy shows other signs of not being very into you, I'd cut him loose.

Such people indicate a direction they would like a conversation to go without heaving on the tiller. If you find yourself providing answers to the questions you might expect to be asked directly then this guy may be like that.

I don't see that as a big contradiction myself. I guess it depends on how you interpret the statement that the relationship "has a real future" - from my reading, that they have met in real life once, talk of a "real future" just means "let's meet a second time" - it's not like if they had been together for five years where "a real future" would refer to something a lot more permanent.

I mean, at the first date level, I might ask my date about her educational background if it seems important to her, and for sure I like intelligent women, but I can spot what I like better through conversation than through credentials. I think scheduling a second date without knowing my date's educational background would be completely normal. With university education in America, in particular, asking where someone went to university is kinda similar to asking them how much money they have and how well they score on standardised tests, neither of which I would be in a hurry to reveal much curiosity about.

I'm really not comfortable asking other people questions about their life. She still makes fun of the fact that I'm such a bad reporter of events in other people's lives; I never seem to know what she thinks are important facts about my friends. We often seem to have conversations where she asks something like, "So is [my friend] still dating [his girlfriend]?

I also went out with a guy who, within 15 minutes of the start of of first and only date, asked me why I gave up on my marriage, how much money I made, and why women didn't go for men like him. That said, I've never done online dating, so maybe it's different. If after several dates, he hasn't asked you any questions about yourself, I'd call that a red flag.

I think there's not enough data here. Any of the possibilities mentioned above could be true. Then I went back to the OP and found that you've only actually met once! Any concerns you may have about his online cyberbehavior are way premature. The relationship has no reality until you've been humans together for a few months. I hope you'll give it a little time, and I wish you the best of luck.

As a shy person who is lacking in social skills, I tend to miss asking obvious questions. Sometimes I'm too busy overthinking the situation, or blundering on to the next topic, or just generally feeling uneasy the way I imagine foreign exchange students must feel. I often later realize that I didn't ask a question to which I really wanted to know the answer.

Online dating he never asks questions

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4 Comments

  1. If you were my friend, I would advise you not to continue with him. Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?

  2. Sometimes in a conversation, I end up almost telling myself mentally, "Okay, now you ask the same thing back, idiot. I think this is just plain rude.

  3. That said, I've never done online dating, so maybe it's different. Such people indicate a direction they would like a conversation to go without heaving on the tiller.

  4. So that doesn't necessarily reflect reality. Pay closer attention to what he does than what he says. Sometimes I'm too busy overthinking the situation, or blundering on to the next topic, or just generally feeling uneasy the way I imagine foreign exchange students must feel.

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