Nick Notas on April 21, Thanks for reading Michael. Thanks for hanging out here. Much of this comes back to investing in yourself. Learn to be happy with just you. Build a lifestyle that fulfills you — find engaging hobbies, broaden your social circle, get healthier, etc. You should be independent and satisfied and want not need someone to share that with.
Looking forward to your next article. Jon on April 22, Informative and very practical, as always! Every article I read on here definitely helps out! Nick Notas on April 22, Happy to hear it Jon.
Reply C on April 22, Good article Nick,a little light though. We all know the difference between needy and self confident but whats more important is where the neediness comes from in the first place.
Whats required is to go deeper, and ask why am I needy? What has caused me to become needy? At the source is of your ego is the answer,we often make the mistake that self confidence is built layer upon layer, but this is false. Believing you are worse OR better than others is a defense mechanism that keeps you from the truth.
This is very philosophical I know, but it is also very true. Take the skinny guy who works out because it will give him the confidence to get women. He improves himself for others approval,even if it works it is a hollow victory because it is ultimately fake and un-natural,his motivation that is, not the act of working out.
Now imagine an overweight man who decides to change his lifestyle after years of indulgence and being a lard ass, to better himself for the good of himself and in reality others,as those who look after themselves insure they will not become a burden on healthcare, family etc. His perspective and motivation is positive and aligned with what is natural in life which is to look after health and because of this is less fueled by the inflated ego and more by the heart.
So what am I saying is go deeper,as deep as you can and ask why you feel nervous in certain situations and what is the source of this anxiety? Imagine you are well on your way to becoming a professional football player, but you lose your leg in a car accident before you make it, suddenly your life is turned upside down and your dream goes down the shitter. All normal reactions,because you see yourself, your life and your future as a football player and that is all you know yourself to be, that is your identity.
This is a huge loss for your ego as it forces you to realize that much of what you identify with does not define you. You are a far bigger person than what you think yourself to be and you are that same person whether you teach math, play football or write movie scripts.
You have a basic ego, likes and dislike, hobbies,place of birth family etc and certain things you cannot change but everything else is surplus! So when you become needy around a girl or anyone it is partly because you have an attachment to this person, that is to say some part of you the ego thinks you require this person.
Even if you get with them you will still have a needy relationship, that would be pure pain! When you make a move as a genuine expression of who you are it comes from a different place and has a different outcome, it is simply an authentic experience with no strings attached or expectation.
By all means improve yourself but do it to experience life as someone who is in shape, as someone who is outgoing, as someone who makes a lot of money, as someone who enjoys chasing beautiful women.
Not as someone trying to cover up their insecure identity by sticking nice shiny things to it, like women or a nice body or loads of money. I make myself sound enlightened here but truthfully ever day I ask myself why I take certain actions and sometimes the answer is too impress people! I catch myself doing this and I laugh and make fun of myself.
Going deeper into your motivations can be hard as it means you have to face some wild truths and the biggest one is you are not so special. You are not less or more, you simply are,as capable as anyone else, unique in your own way but ultimately the same as everyone. No kidding when I say that this has changed my mindset for the better.
Reply Don on May 7, Great post. I was guilty of being needy early on when I had low self-esteem. But as my self-esteem grew, I slowly lost the neediness. I stopped questioning all of the advice of waiting 3 days to contact her or appear needy, etc.
I just did what I felt was right. If I liked the girl, I called or texted her when I wanted to. I stopped putting girls on pedestals and acting like they were great and it was my job to please them.
We are all on equal footing here. While a good girl might like the pampering at first from a needy guy, it will quickly become annoying. Reply Mac on August 1, Hi, I just got out of a relationship and just realized I was a needy partner.
The girl treated like I was just another option. But as the relation went on it only kept on getting worse. And like you said I keep seeking approval from peapole around me I try to be confident and do and say what I want but I seem to unconsiously seek the approval of others. What should I do Reply kevin on August 11, So I just recently broke up with a girl I really like over us arguing and not being able to figure things out in a stable manner.
I know I need to take a step back and figure out my self worth without her. I already knew that I was needy, mainly because my self-esteem became alot lower because of events in the past. Yet I try to keep myself from acting needy, which is taking me alot of effort. Yet, somewhere deep inside, my inner critic keeps telling me other things. Your article is helping me as we speak, yet I want to add that I think it will take me, and perhaps others, a very long time to get rid of being needy in relationships.
Reply freeaction on February 14, What about being needy with friends….? When i am with a guy that makes me feel good i can approach women like crazy. However if i dont i cant …… My state depends on how much valuable i feel according to guys opinions….. WIth women i get the ego…..
SOmetimes even though i have a lot of anxiety myu mind says that i have to be perfect for me…. That to be good enough is wrong, that i have to be perfect.
I am aware of these thoughts and i have a lot of struggle i act despite them step by step but it is really painful Reply Uday on March 3, Very good article.
I am on my way to be self confident. But it is not easy especially if you are stuck in a difficult situation with a girl. It really is a journey, but ultimately the key to being truly free in life. Reply JM on March 17, Great breakdown of the two really! I did figure out a lot before this article about myself, not for the purpose of others but to see what was actually wrong. Start strong then boom the neediness hits. So over the last month I have broken off contacts with the ones that I have shown neediness for.
They have came back into the picture and I have found myself a bit stronger. So this has helped me realize that I still have a long ways to go on this journey but it is possible and really not that hard to do. Thanks for this forum and article been very helpful. I really like your definition of being self — confident. As a lot of other articles I have read seem to equate this with being a jerk, aloof or cold towards the object of your affection as a way of making them want you.
Confidence comes from within and a sense of belief in your own self worth and not as a means in tricking someone into liking you.
I have started to put your advice into practice and bit by bit it is helping me become a happier, So thank you! Reply Chris on December 23, Is it possible for me to come back from showing that I was needy and show that I have confidence??
Or is it too late?? Always trying to please…. Walking on my self confidence from this moment!