Sex When my boyfriend and I broke up we stayed friends. We hang out with a bigger group of people and that includes my ex's best friend. In the last few months I have found myself falling in love with him and at a recent party we got drunk together and after he walked me home I invited him in and we had sex. I assumed it was just a one-off - but turns out he felt the same. We are now seeing each other but have told nobody. What do you want to do? That might give you a clearer ideas of your options and what's stopping you being open about the relationship.
That includes focusing on both of you rather than worrying about what others may think. Or if you would usually share it on social media. But there is no requirement for you to be 'out' about your relationship until such time as both of you want to be. Why are you worried? When people write to me about situations like yours which is a lot , there are three main things they are worried about.
The first is whether being in a relationship with a good friend of their ex will cause tensions between people who have been close for a long time, or break up a friendship.
The second is they fear they will be judged and shamed, by their ex and others, for sleeping with two people who know each other well. We have unspoken cultural taboos about friendships, often with advice from friends and self-help books suggesting these should have priority over relationships.
And that somehow while it is okay to move on to a new relationship after breaking up with an ex, sleeping with someone they are friends with is taboo.
If you have absorbed these messages then you may feel there is something wrong or bad in what you are doing. But you have fallen for someone you like very much, who you know well, and who cares for you too. There is nothing wrong with that. You're allowed to be happy with your new boyfriend Credit: When and how to tell other people If you want to be open with other people about your relationship, it would probably be a good idea to talk to your ex about what is going on.
Perhaps your new boyfriend could do this alone, or both of you together might want to talk to him. Rather than discovering it through other people, via social media, or witnessing you both together. Where problems can arise, is if people feel they have been misled or information has been kept from them by those they are close to. So ensuring he is told first and in person may avoid this.
As you say, you have been apart for some time and he is in a relationship with someone else. So there is no reason for him to be anything other than happy for both of you. However, it might come as a shock to him, or feel awkward or strange. He might need a bit of time to come to terms with the news and it may be things are a little different between you for a while.
Alternatively, he may surprise both of you by being really glad for you both, or just being not that phased by it. If your ex is nasty or difficult then that could cause problems within your friendship group and you may want to consider what your Plan B might be in such a case, talking with your boyfriend about what you both might do. Your ex doesn't have the right to say you shouldn't date his best friend Credit: Alamy "Remember this is something that is bringing you and your boyfriend pleasure and is a good thing for you both.
Further discussions or justifications with them are unnecessary. Having told your ex, you both may want to tell others formally, just let them notice over time, or perhaps celebrate it together as a group as something to be happy about.
You know your friends better than I do. Remember this is something that is bringing you and your boyfriend pleasure and is a good thing for you both. Email your sex and relationships queries in confidence to: Please note that by submitting your question to Petra, you are giving your permission for her to use your question as the basis of her column, published online at Wonder Women. All questions will be kept anonymous and key details, facts and figures may change to protect your identity.
Petra can only answer based on the information you give her and her advice is not a substitute for medical, therapeutic or legal advice.