Refinery29 If you're in a casual relationship, or have ever been in one, you probably can't pinpoint when it started or ended. That's the whole point of a casual relationship — keep it laissez-faire and loose. But all too often, it's assumed that you can just let a casual relationship fizzle out and end without officially pronouncing it dead a.
Even though lots of people do this, it's not necessarily a good thing. So do you have to actually break up with someone if you weren't in an official relationship to begin with? There are plenty of reasons why you might not want to have an official breakup conversation — namely, it can be awkward and seem dramatic.
Or you could feel like the relationship just didn't really warrant a breakup. Or you could genuinely be friends with the person you're seeing, and you're afraid you'll wreck what you have.
Your reasons for avoiding a talk depend on the circumstances of your relationship, but Burns says she has one rule that usually helps her clients figure out what to do: Burns says that her rule holds true at any stage of a relationship, whether you're chatting on an app, being asked on a second date, or deciding whether to DTR.
You owe it to the person you're seeing to tell them that you're not interested, so you can move on and they can, too. If your gut says that you're not interested, or if you sense that you would rather be dating someone else, then you'll probably feel better after having a breakup conversation, even though it can be awkward. On the other hand, what if the person you're seeing doesn't actually express interest in meeting up with you again?
You should still have a talk with them. Even if you don't think the person would care that you're ghosting, or you think they may also be ghosting, it's better to be the bigger person and close the loop, because you shouldn't assume that you know how other people feel.
Lately and inexplicably, in my opinion , " breakup photo shoots " have become a thing. Perhaps I'm not as emotionally evolved as the type who can pose for photos and " consciously uncouple ," but my breakup photoshoot would look like this: No, thank you but kudos to those who can handle it.
In all my years of breaking up, the thing that works best for me is a little post-split shopping. I'm not talking about anything exorbitantly expensive — just a few "treat myself" items, like used books or new underwear. Of course, there are healthy ways to get over a breakup that don't involve spending money, such as journaling and trying to see your former partner's side of things so that you learn something from the experience.
But, as someone who has embraced my love for retail therapy, sometimes I just want to buy some shit. Before I go on, let me address one thing: Going through a breakup, regardless of how painful it is, is a luxury problem. And shopping to cope with a breakup is definitely an example of financial privilege — an estimated 12 million households in America can't afford healthy groceries, just to put that into perspective.
So I know I'm very, very fortunate to be able to spend a few extra dollars on some relatively cheap items for the sole purpose of cheering myself up, and I'm grateful for that. In my experience, practicing gratitude has also proven to be a great way to get over breakups. Ahead, 10 items I've bought after a breakup that helped put me on track to move on. Lingerie New underwear is always the first purchase I make after a breakup, because how freeing is it to own a pair of underwear that your ex has never seen but ideally someone else will?
Unfortunately, lingerie often reminds me of my exes, since we've either had sexual experiences together while I was wearing them, or they bought me the lingerie as a gift.
So I find it helpful to buy some new panties that won't remind me of my former partner when I get dressed in the morning. That's not to say that I replace my entire collection — I just like to freshen up my underwear drawer with a few new pairs. I also view new underwear as a fresh canvas: Who knows what adventures I'll have in them? If you're on a budget, some of my favorite and sexiest post-breakup panties were purchased at Walmart for under five bucks, and they are sexy AF.
Sage Burning sage is a go-to for warding off bad vibes. As a proud witchy-woman, it's the first thing I do after an ex leaves my apartment for the last time. Sage smoke is believed to dispel negative energy and replace it with positivity, and it's easy to find on the internet and relatively affordable.
I've even waved a little sage smoke around my genitals after a bad breakup. I got Major Tom Cat while in a relationship when things were just starting to turn shitty and I was in need of some extra love and companionship not technically a post-breakup purchase, but close enough. While that relationship ended brutally a few months later, I still wake up next to Major Tom Cat every day. In my experience, the companionship is totally worth those responsibilities.
Beyond the cuddles and cuteness pets can provide, I found that the responsibility of pet ownership also helped me get over my breakup. Having another creature to take care of forced me to stop thinking of just myself. Manic Panic A breakup hair change is the classic "treat yourself" move, and it's worked wonders for me. I've gone fire-engine red after one break-up and goth black after another.
It made me feel better for the simple fact that I wanted to do something for myself. After breakups, I tend to feel an inclination to want to separate myself from the relationship and start fresh with a new look. Changing my hair color has given me a visual marker of starting fresh, which has made me feel better not to mention, new hair is usually a great confidence boost, since it makes me feel sexy.
I usually opt for a non-permanent color, like Manic Panic which I wish I used when I went black, since permanent black hair dye is nearly impossible to get out. The non-toxic dye only lasts four-six weeks , and with some colors, such as the Vampire Red I used, you don't even need to bleach your hair to see intense results. Records Crying has been a crucial part of all my breakups. I have to let my feelings out, or else they'll stay trapped inside and come out in horrifying ways eventually like rebounding with someone even more toxic than my ex.
And for me, the best way to have a good cry is by listening to music, specifically Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks. I prefer records when listening at home, simply because it feels more intimate and romantic plus, you can get used ones for pretty cheap , but I also love a good Spotify playlist when I'm on the move.
I like Blood on the Tracks because not only is it regarded as one of the best Dylan albums of all time, but it's all about pain. I happened to be lying in bed naturally , and while I was on the phone, I noticed that my sheets had a cum stain from you-know-who. Without getting too graphic, I told my mom that it felt really shitty to be lying in the sheets I shared so often with my former partner. After my parents divorced, one of the first things my mom did was buy a new bed, so I knew she'd understand.
So I went online and bought new purple the color of royalty, because I needed to feel like a queen sheets. Once it arrived, I found that sleeping in sheets that had never had to experience my ex's drool, cum, or snoring indeed made for a better night's sleep. Bath Salts No, I'm not talking about the drug. I find that drawing a bath with intention, lighting candles, and using scented bath salts can have spiritual healing effects for me at any time, but especially after a difficult breakup.
After my most recent breakup, I took many baths, complete with a good cry, while soaking in lavender-scented bath salts surrounded by candles. Lavender is a favorite scent of mine after a breakup, since it's known for its soothing and comforting qualities.
After my most recent breakup, not only did I treat myself to a new vibrator, but I upgraded from a simple egg-shaped clitoral vibrator to one that provides internal stimulation as well, since I was down one penis.
While my ex's penis was great, it didn't have a six-speed rotating shaft — but this baby does. Books After I go through a break-up, I'm often tempted to spend more time on social media than usual, which can be stressful enough on a normal day. As someone guilty of harmlessly stalking exes online, I can attest that it only makes things worse. So getting offline and reading a good book can be incredibly healing for me.
The last book I bought immediately after a breakup was an anxiety-self help book , and it actually helped, since I was feeling really anxious partially because of my breakup and couldn't afford a therapist at the time.
Another book that I've read recently that's helped me deal with the residual pains of many of my breakups is So Sad Today by Melissa Broder.
This raw and riveting collection of personal essays covers everything from the importance of the block button to the intricacies of navigating an open relationship. It's a book that not only made me feel better about my own sadness, but helped me see the humanity and humor in my pain. And when that relationship inevitably went to shit, I was super alone. Now, I make my friends a priority, because I know even when the world is falling apart, they'll have my back. After my last breakup, in an effort to reinforce friendships, I gave friends tokens of appreciation, like small rose quartz crystals , to show my gratitude for their continued support.
While rose quartz is often associated with romantic love, it's all about giving and receiving love in general. Personally, I like to meditate with a rose quartz when reflecting on my love for my platonic relationships, as well as my romantic ones. That depends on how long you've been seeing a person. Burns says if you're just messaging on an app, you can send a simple, straightforward text that says something like, It's been fun chatting with you, but I don't think we're a match.
Best of luck on here! If you've been on just a few dates, you can still breakup via text message, but Burns says you should at least thank the person for going on the dates, and tell them, I just don't feel a connection. During the talk, you can address the fact that you didn't sense a spark, or even explain that you felt like you had "mismatched core values," Burns says.
These are just jumping-off points for you to start a conversation. But no matter what the reason is, you should try to articulate it, because your partner or date is going to wonder where you went, or they might worry about what they did wrong that made you disappear.
And whatever you do, don't compromise during this conversation, Burns says. You don't owe anyone the right to be in a relationship with you, even one with hazy boundaries. In the end, having a breakup conversation is a small courtesy you can do to encourage open communication in relationships, which ultimately would dissuade people from ghosting at all.
You may one day be the person on the receiving end of a casual relationship breakup — and don't you think that you deserve closure?