You will fall in love with his childlike sense of wonder and absolute, ideological faith in the world. But having three majors and four minors is what we call Toys-R-Us syndrome. Be careful of those on a Tinder bender, for they have probably been on six dates in the past hour. Rest your Tinder thumb, as over right-swiping can cause pain and discomfort in the iPhone hand. What else can we say?
Denver is home to some of the most killer stadiums for watching games in the country, including Sports Authority Field aka Mile High Stadium and the Pepsi Center. Sports Guy bleeds orange and blue. Sports Guy will take you to the best games in town, in exchange for you pretending to care about the outcome.
Keep in mind that he is an artist and pretty sensitive about his shit. Roams from coffeehouse to coffeehouse in search of free Wifi, he usually majored in Creative Writing, Anthropology, Philosophy of Religion, or any number of super useful degrees.
His free-spirited beauty can be intoxicating. But be weary — hipsters pretend to be things, including in love. Tread lightly as the Hipster is skittish and easily frightened by commitment. The Hustler is a great dancer and probably a little sexist. If he tells you his attitude is more Drake, but his swagger is more Kanye, run. The Woodsman lives in Cap Hill, wears plaid, and it seems this should already be implied, but he has a beard. Everyone in Colorado is a bit outdoorsy, but the Woodsman is kinda a dick about it.
He has absolutely no form of social media. He has the best car, the best job, the best life, and he goes to all the best events in Denver. Everything seems perfect from the outside but the Socialite is hiding a deep, dark secret. He genuinely has no idea where he is, but feels comfortable enough to lay it on the line and we respect that.
Keep in mind that the men described are entirely fictional and should not be taken seriously by anyone. Follow Magazine on Instagram for more hilarious, subculture references all year long.