Click to print Opens in new window Q: Guess who did the thing!? The thing being falling face first into crazy stupid love with one of my straight best friends! Like Frank Ocean this-unrequited-love-to-me-is-nothing-but-a-one-man-cult kinda love! We often joke about how for the first two years that we knew each other we were the least close out of anyone else in our friend group, but then there was a period of time in which we were both going through it and would run away to drink a bottle of Jagermeister into the early hours of the morning, so honestly can you blame me?
Even in non-romantic relationships such as with family and friends, I love infrequently but totally and unconditionally and largely irrevocably. For context, I am a Taurus; therefore the word moderation is one I just learned 30 minutes ago and have since selectively forgotten.
I am a hookup-and-casual-sex kinda gal, and have been hooking up and having casual sex because pining sounds useless and boring. Nobody lights my fire like she does, and I feel horribly guilty for leading these girls on when I damn well know I might be emotionally unavailable.
I met this girl in when I had just moved to a new city and we became really close and we used to do everything together and I felt like she was my whole world for a lot of time. I realized I was attracted to her and I wanted more so I asked her out. She said she was confused about her sexuality straight girls!
Ahhhh, falling in love with or wanting to make out with a straight girl! The best way to fall in love with a straight girl is to not do it. Human connection is a journey and sexuality is wild and beautiful and part of the value of the brightness of love in the darkness of this world is how it can be so unpredictable, so uncontrollable, so deep and soaring and true.
Acknowledge what you find hot about the situation. Is it the idea of having a close romantic and sexual relationship with someone with whom you already have a close, loving friendship relationship?
Is it the feeling of having someone in your back pocket? Is it the feeling that someone might have you in her back pocket? Is it just that straight girls are everywhere? Figuring out what the attraction is based on is part of fighting it. Also consider that part of it might be this: Being in love with a straight girl is pretty safe. I know it hurts and feels uncontrollable and unrequited and tormenting, but on some level you know exactly what will come of it: You never have to confront the real possibility of a real non-platonic relationship with all of the possible risks that go along with the rewards, because on some level you know that will never happen.
Instead, you get to project whatever you want onto her. Of course no one lights your fire like she does. Dive into your feelings, and figure out what you need to do about them.
There are lots of ways to experience love and friendship separately, and lots of ways to experience them together. Falling in friend love with someone with a compatible gender and sexuality can feel similar to falling in romantic love. And like romantic love, friend love can be totally transformative.
Stop flirting, for one thing. Consider what you need to do so you can stop pining: Light contact for a while? No contact for a while? Muting her on social media? Rescheduling any in-person time you have coming up together for the future? Prioritize and honor your friendship as it is, not as you want it to be. But the key to those things being okay is respect for people and for boundaries.
Do you like hugging your friends because you like physically expressing affection in your friendships? Or do you like hugging your friends because you like the feeling of girls in your arms?
It can be hard to remember, especially when part of you wants whatever is happening to keep happening, but you get boundaries, too. Friendship should be respected and valued and trusted for exactly what it is, not for what anyone wishes it could be. Your friends deserve that, and you deserve that. Honor that as you move forward. Try to move on. Date other lesbians, bisexuals, and queer women and folks. Surround yourself with your gay community.
Give it time, and then some more time. When you have a lot of feelings for someone out there, it can be hard to focus on what it takes to move forward, especially when that person out there is rooted in your personal history and experience and deep feeling and the person in front of you is a third date from tinder, or when the person in front of you is just right there when what you actually want seems so elusive.
Be upfront about where you are and what you can give to a situation. Is it that you want a committed, loving, equal romantic and sexual partnership in which you can be seen and fulfilled on every level?
That you want someone with whom you can share your whole worlds? That you want to maybe make out with a girl who also likes and wants to make out with you back? Or that you want whatever you can get with this one straight girl specifically? What happens if you just let go?