She does this by ending or ignoring her responsibility to parent her children, or ending her relationship with her children, according to Peter Gerlach, MSW.
I have a nephew who is in his late twenties now. His mother was in and out of his life as a child. His mother was my sister and I saw the way her behavior wretched his heart and shaped his psychological outlook. Not only was his mother an on again off again parent, but his father was in prison. My mother, who is his grandmother had to take care of him most of his life. I remember hating my sister for treating her son as if he was a revolving door. As if, her behavior would have no profound effect on his ability to sustain love and relationships when he got older.
I look at him today, as a grown man but still see a very hurt child. I want to bring him to the water so that he can heal and be quenched of his thirst for the love that was supposed to be rightfully given to him from his mother but never was. There is a gaping deficit, I can feel the pain in his energy when I am around him. It is stiff, stubborn and a ghostly shadow that relentlessly follows him.
Is there even a substitute? I know many who are abandoned and live in that nightmare every day. If I cannot comprehend the act I cannot comprehend the awful consequences.
Unfortunately, there are lots of wounded little boys who did not receive the nurturing love and care from their mothers. These boys grow up into men who deal with awful attachment and abandonment issues.
They either cling to lovers or remain aloof, unattached and afraid to get too close. Men with abandonment issues are extremist. They either cling to women or are very detached from women and fearful of commitment.
There is no grey area, just a constant imbalance and an ongoing shift between the two extremes. We all have our demons. However, if you choose to deal with a man who has unresolved attachment issues, be ready to deal with a lot of back and forth, hot and cold behavior on his behalf. Though they are aware that their constant fear of being left is not the fault of those who are still in their lives, letting go of the paranoia of abandonment is not an easy task.
It is a habitual and subconscious thought process that can take years of therapy to fix. People with abandonment issues are good at leaving.
Like many of us, the man with abandonment issues wants to avoid feeling pain at any cost so he makes it a point to leave you first! He may come back, only to leave again when you try to get close to him or when he feels that you might leave him again. His back and forth action is provoked by hope and fear. Encouraging counseling and even offering to go with him is the only way you will be able to have a healthy relationship with this person.
It is very important to ask men you are dating to tell you about their childhood and their relationship with their mother. Asking in a curious way that is playful and non-threatening is the best approach. What causes a man to have abandonment issues?