I have spent the last couple days perusing these forums, reading other people's stories and trying harder than ever to fully grasp my situation and still remain strong, but I feel so weak and I feel so tired. For the past five months I have been dating a coke addict, for the sake of this thread, I'll call him Ian. For the past month and a half we have been living together. And for the past years he has been doing coke.
I don't know what to say here, how much or how little detail I should go into, what will help you folks advise me and what will hinder. I've never been this close to an addict before, but my mother is a crack addict. I tend to avoid people that are reliant on substances, because that's not a life I want to live.
I met Ian six months ago, when he interviewed me for my current job. He hired me and we quickly became friends. We partied together a bit, I had even tried coke for the first time to settle curiosity and then a few times followig. It wasn't long before I realized that partying once in a while wasn't the limit to Ian's use. He was using every day, consuming an eighth in a day to two day period and he was drinking to extreme excesses every night, and all days on weekends. His substance abuse aside, he was great.
An excellent instructor, super kind, generous, romantic and passionate. It's this lust for life that made me fall in love with him and it's the same reason that he's an addict. When we began dating his drug use dropped dramatically from every day to every three days and sometimes longer.
The more time I spent with him outside of the high the better I got to know him and the deeper I fell in love and the more concerned I became about his health. He's 12 years older than me, that alone will cut our time shorter than I would like and twenty years of substance abuse isn't helping. I looked more into the effects of cocaine and knew then he had to quit while he was ahead and before my heart broke. We talked about quitting, while he never called it an addiction , he accepted it when I did and he's been saying for some time he wants to get clean.
I think he really does at the heart of things, but the drugs get in the way. He has a friend that quits coke for six months every year and does so by weaning himself off and this was the plan that Ian decided he wanted to do starting in January, with four freebies, then three in february and so on until 0.
I'm trying to help by setting up a prize system for meeting his goals, but in January he hit 5. It was the last two days of January, he had almost made it and on top of that my brother was visiting which he promised he wouldn't do any drugs while my brother was done.
He broke that promise. Where we are at right now, he's still trying to stick to his plan, and we mark down the days on the calendar , but it's so hard. To boot I am manic depressive and the stress isn't helping. I don't know what to do when he's clean he doesn't want to talk about the drugs because it makes him want them when he does talk about them when he's clean it's only about when he's going to be doing them next and how excited he is aka "oh man we have to watch this movie, I totally have to get high for it" "I am so stoked to get fucked this weekend" and it hurts to hear him say that, but I know he has to quit on his own so I try to stay neutral in my responses then he gets mad at me because he can tell from my voice I'm not happy and starts saying things like "for fucks sakes I'm not doing them right now and I have been doing good!
Every time you get upset about it, it just makes me want to do them more. The dealer is temptation that Ian has a really hard time turning away and the dealer knows just by being there that Ian will want drugs. So everytime I see the dealer walk into the store my stomach drops.
But I can't be responsible for removing temptation from Ian's life. Also the dealer makes it too easy for drugs because he's always within blocks of our home or work and is always willing to front so even if we don't have the money for it, there's nothing holding him back He refuses to believe that he changes on the drug , we had a blowout about it, because I told him that I didn't want to be around him any more when he's high because his passive aggressive tendencies slip through and suddenly I'm the butt of every 'joke'.
He refused to listen to me until I talked to a friend of his that said the same thing and told me I could tell Ian that his friend agreed. That topic has come up again, but now every time he's high he's like "I'm being nice right? He doesn't want to go to a doctor or a co-anon meeting because I don't think, he thinks he has an issue.
Every time it comes up he's always like "I'm not one of those guys" or shoving it in my face that he's doing good though he's not meeting his goals I praise him for every step in the right direction. I honestly believe that he doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks I do. That the only problem with the drug is me, because I don't like it and he thinks I don't like it just because I don't understand or that I am too stuck up to try, he's projecting past relationships onto me and making assumptions that are simply untrue and unfounded.
He says he's quitting for him, but my biggest fear is he's only 'quitting' for me and if that's the case, he'll never truly quit. I've been looking desperately for some form of co-anon family group with no luck, because I need so bad to talk to someone who has been through this or knows what I'm going through.
It hurts so much, because I love him so incredibly much. It's easy to forget he has an addiction when it's been a few days and we are cuddling or making love, but it comes back every time in hostility and bi-polar behaviour and it crushes me. I'm sorry about the length, I just need to talk this through. Thank you for any help or support you can provide, it will go a long way I promise.