Most of my life is filled with success, except for one HUGE gap. I have never had a girlfriend, or a relationship that has gone beyond two dates usually my decision or something weird happens. I never went to a school dance or prom even though my parents were not happy about it.
I think that I have three problems: Internet dating has not gone very well for me. I am not shy in normal social situations, but just going up to a woman and talking to her is not a skill of mine.
If I do, I act like a dork. I am too nice, and not aggressive in making things happen. I am not the type to sweep a woman off her feet. I have never kissed a woman, or really put myself in a situation where I could kiss someone. I am much more comfortable not expressing intimacy to anyone. Lately I have become depressed about all of this. If I go out with someone my own age, I am going to be light-years behind in experience. Dating someone 18 and inexperienced like me is also quickly becoming, if not already, not possible.
No point in living anymore. She does not represent herself to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor or professional helper of any sort. Her responses are offered from the perspective of a friend or mentor only. Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual s.
Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses. No correspondence takes place. Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician. When you say that you are a nice guy, I wonder if what you mean is that you are a passive guy.
And a fearful guy perhaps too. There is a passive vibe to your letter, and an undercurrent of fear, and together these two things seem to be making it difficult for you to ask for dates and to build a relationship.
That fear and that passivity will have to be addressed and looked square in the eye if you are to solve this problem of yours. And if I have stated it correctly there, I think that is part of the problem because that is exactly backwards from how it should be. Even if they reject you outright, who really cares?
You never have to see them again, and there are like a billion other women you could date in their place.
You need to develop your own perspective — what you want — and avoid allowing the perspective of other people to colonize your head. Some women will look at you as a loser if they learn that you are inexperienced. There are all kinds of personalities out there. There are plenty of women who will seriously dig a more passive guy because they want to take the lead.
There are also women who will look upon your virgin status with delight because they will feel honored to initiate you. Learning what exactly you are afraid of when you say this seems important to me. Are you afraid of being dependent on someone? Are you afraid of being physically touched, or having someone invade your personal space?
What exactly do you mean? Anyway, I think there is a lot of hope for you and I think your difficulty can be overcome if you are willing to become active and face your fears. There is no substitute for practice, but having a supportive person to talk over fears with can help a lot.