We have been in a long distance relationship for the last three months. Prior to being in a LDR, we did everything together — we would see each other almost every day and talk all the time.
We were always comfortable together and the relationship was always very loving. Long distance kills relationships. A lot of distractions are removed, as well as a lot of luxuries, which can make a relationship easier. In a long distance relationship, sex is anything but convenient.
Moreover, long distance relationships take significantly more effort to maintain than a regular relationship. It will be effortless and talking to each other will be the highlight of both your days. Am I kidding myself? You fear that someone else will come along and take the person you love away from you.
You need to look at your LDR as a positive test for your relationship. This is harder to see than you might think. It removes your enjoyment of the relationship and creates a suffocating sense of emotional starvation, where you are begging for him to prove that he cares. The quality of your relationship is entirely dependent on the quality of your interactions… and the quality of your interactions is determined by your mood. When you stop stressing out and obsessing about your own fears, worries, and nightmare-scenarios, something great happens: That fear of loss grows into an obsession and, at that point, your once light and fun conversations take on the feel of an interrogation.
This is exhausting for the person on the other end of the conversation and the strain will quickly take your relationship to a very bad place. You need to let go. This is something I did in a long distance relationship and it ended up saving everything and returned the relationship to the fun, happy, loving place it was when it started. Letting go means that you imagine that the relationship has already ended. The more upsetting this thought is to you, the more this mental trick will help you.
You just love that they exist in the world and you enjoy them as they are. We often torture ourselves with the idea that we could have prevented the end of the relationship if circumstances were different. This ignores the fact that relationships and love are not permanent fixtures — they are chosen and created every day by both partners.
So enjoy the present moments as they happen for exactly what they are, right then and there. If you really want your long distance relationship to work, you need to be growing your relationship, not growing your fears. Does He Really Love You?
You enjoy doing little things for him regularly that make him feel special. You learn from each other and listen to each other. Music, movies, TV shows, and Youtube videos can be a great way to bond and be together since they cause you and him to have a similar emotional experience at the same time. This is an easy start-point for conversation.
Sharing your favorite songs many of which you can easily find on Youtube is another great thing to do. Watching a movie at the same time is also great. When possible, Skype video calling is great for experiencing face-to-face contact. Video calling on Skype is free — you can download it on your phone or computer, just go to Skype. In the longer term, if you have similar interests, you can pursue them and update each other on your progress.
This would work for anything though — art, learning an instrument, pottery… anything. Saying things to stimulate his imagination never hurts either.
It triggers his imagination and has him thinking of you and what it would be like to have you there. In that way, one of the greatest things we can strive for in a relationship is to be the person who is the safe-haven for our partner. If you can be his confessional, his escape, and his inspiration, you will have a role in his life that nobody can replace — even if you live on the other side of the world.
For some reason, most people fall into the trap of doing the opposite. Instead of serving them with our best, we demand the best from them.
Instead of bringing our most loving self to the relationship, we grill them for not giving us enough of what we want. Instead of focusing on all the things we love about them, we try to change them or make them into someone else.
In a regular local relationship, this can be uncomfortable and unpleasant. In a long distance relationship, this can be enough to make him not want to talk to you anymore. And why would he want a relationship that leaves him feeling pressured and drained?
He will make it a point to make you feel loved and will go out of his way to do things that will keep you coming back to him… you just need to actually lighten his load and make him feel better about life, not worse. See him as the success he aspires to be. See him as the type of guy he aspires to be. See him as his best self. Every man has his process for how he feels empowered, inspired, and happy about his life. Pay attention to what this is for your man and silently find ways to bring this energy into your conversations.
The reality is whether you live together, one mile apart or miles apart, you have to trust them. This is liberating, not depressing. Trust is letting go with the knowledge that you really have no other choice. When it comes to trust, this goes back to what I was saying before about letting go: Having a long distance relationship is an absolute last resort and should be avoided at all costs. So talk about this future often and make a clear plan about how you will be together, as soon as possible.
One of two things will happen: The second scenario is sad, but it saves you both a lot of time. If the relationship will never become something, how much time do you want to waste fantasizing about it instead of finding a local relationship where you can have a real, loving relationship and grow with another person? For every moment you spend chasing a fantasy, you allow the real opportunities that are all around you to slip away. Assuming that you have a long distance relationship like this, then the only thing left to do is spend your time in the best way possible.
In many ways, being in a LDR allows you to enjoy your life freely while knowing you have someone out there who loves you. If you really want your LDR to succeed, then you need to fill your time with a life that excites you, fulfills you, and makes you happy.
Moping around and wishing is only going to bring your mood down and allow worrying to creep in. When you live a fulfilling and happy life, that mood and energy will spill into your relationship and your relationship will be the best it can possibly be. Do everything in your power to keep yourself happy, fulfilled and positive about your life and your relationship. Most Importantly… You want to visit each other as often as possible.
There is no substitute for actually physical face-to-face contact… the more you can have, the better. So there you have it, those are the most important things to make a long distance relationship succeed.