Now, in our final installment of this very special dating survey roundup, we bring you: A word of warning here? Most of these are really funny. And then, in a small section towards the end, some of them are absolutely not funny. She really loved manatees, and eventually she jumped from her boat into the water and landed on a manatee.
But the manatee was actually dead, and the body ended up falling apart and she was covered in dead manatee slime and someone had to fish her out and clean her up. After some words of consolation from me about how fucked up that experience must have been, she told me she made it up, and every other story she had told me that night, because she likes making up stories. It was an amazing WTF moment and I never talked to her again.
I am still baffled by it. She wore mirrored wrap-around sun glasses. It was delicious, but he proceeded to pick out every single piece of fat from his mouth and made a pile of it on the side of his plate. It was perilously close to that scene from Boogie Nights. He wanted to own thirty dogs. He had their names and breeds picked out already.
At the time he owned no dogs at all. The first is when I waited an hour outside at Harvard Square in late January because my date was in the North End buying pot not for me. While I am sure it was great for her, it was just not where I expected to be on a first date. Girl followed me on twitter. Girl randomly started replying and cursing at my tweets. I suggested that he must really treasure his vegetable garden or something in order to put up with 2.
He told me that when he bought his house, he hired a landscaper to tear everything out and replace it with gravel. He called me a hippie for growing my own vegetables. I love TV, so I thought that was a good sign. Our server brought us a bread basket that my date grabbed three of four rolls from and then started playing weird games with.
Like, she would scoop dough out of a roll, pound it into a little ball, and then put it back in the basket! She would then fill the little remaining crust-boat with olive oil, take a bite from it, and refill it.
It reminded me of that, which might say more about me as lousy digital dater than her. On the phone it had come up that he was a Redsox fan — I am a diehard Yankees fan. But I thought a little rivalry could be fun — I have a lot of Yankee fan friends who have married Redsox fans and they both have a sense of humor about it!
She never mentioned that prior to our meeting. My first words on our date were: When I asked what she was doing on a blind date when she was going to give birth in two weeks she said: The movie was one of those free movies-in-the-park, and it just so happened to be Spongebob Squarepants and the park was full of children.
I hate Spongebob Squarepants. I explained, nicely, why it bugged me, and he said he was glad he found out early how ugly I was on the inside. As we were sitting outside of the coffee shop enjoying some nice conversation he told me how he was working on writing some music. He then proceeded to sing, very loudly, his current endeavor in song writing. It was about killing unicorns and no he was not being ironic. In line, we ran into an old coworker of his, they chatted.
I looked at my watch — 3: I was completely stunned! He asked me what I do creatively and I told him succinctly that I obsessively document everything. Anyone can be taught. Finally, I tell him that I have had a really rough week, a friend had passed away and work was really stressful, and apologize for being subdued.
A girl at another table facing me, clearly on a date herself, was shooting me Class 5 sympathy looks. Also, the things he liked, like computer science and entrepreneurship, were not things I liked. But we had a plan to go check out some unusual international grocery stores in his neighborhood south of Prospect Park, so we did — and at every single one, he made a huge fuss over pointing things out to me and telling me what they were.
Unfortunately, by the time we got to the park, it was about to start raining, so we were pretty much stuck underneath this little shelter in the park waiting for the storm to blow over. It was here that I realized three crucial things: It was a bad situation. Luckily, the rain let up eventually, and he showed me how to get to the subway, and I escaped, my heart pounding.
This was long — sorry about that, but it feels good to get it off my chest — but the upshot is: And the moral is: It was was also her last communication before she admitted that she was still in the middle of something with a boy and would I kindly not contact her again. So I check this guy and he seems really nice, but he has a kid, which is on my list of deal-breakers.
Sorry, and good luck! After he took a bite. He was tall, cute, and an artist. So he sends me this super thoughtful, complimentary, clearly researched e-mail that went into depth about several of our shared interests, asked questions, etc.
He sent me pictures of his artwork! I still have them. After two weeks of this, this guy is basically my boyfriend in my mind. I mean, I sent myself an e-mail to make sure my e-mail was still working. I think I even e-mailed him again to ask if he got my e-mail. Then the same thing happened with two more guys, then I made a rule that you set up a meeting after the first e-mail exchange, then I met a guy and we dated for four years, then we got married last July.
He maintained a Geocities website for his writing, and as soon as he got my email, he added me to his mailing list. We order at the counter and go to sit down. He has to use the restroom and takes all his books and other possessions in with him, as if leaving them with me would be unsafe. More terrible things happen I can elaborate if need be and I finally decide I need to make my excuses and bolt.
A few days later I receive an email from his listserv and notice that one of his new stories shares a title with a fairly unique phrase I had worn on a button. The story is told in the first person. I just dress this way to repel men! I googled his name, and found a bunch of amazon wish lists and accounts on sci-fy nerd discussion boards.
So then I saw a link to a Vanity Fair article about the Menendez brothers. Turns out my potential online date murdered his father when he was a teenager, and as a cover up, had concocting a complicated plot involving foreign assassins. The plot was plausible enough to garner worldwide media attention after his father was killed.
Of course, police eventually discovered it was my date who killed his father, he was tried for first degree murder, and defended by the attorney who went on to defend one or both of the Menendez brothers hence his mention in the article.
My date was ultimately convicted of involuntary manslaughter his mother and sister testified that the father was a violent and sadistic abuser , and served no prison time. Eventually, his life led him to eharmony and to me. Opening act was a comic who did her entire routine about how shitty online dating is, and how all the dudes are big, fat losers who are gross.
That was the beginning of the end. Turns out she was a fan of them only from tv, a medium in which they had sharply toned down their usual act. By that point, I just got drunk and laughed about it.
After that, we never spoke or exchanged emails again. This was after a few too many dates that ended twisting up a lot more then just my sheets. I started corresponding with a guy who worked near by, sent me poems and complimented my on-line pictures with vigor. We decided to meet for a date, and I picked him up on a street corner where he met me with a bouquet of irises. As we drove across the bridge to the city, he stared at me and told me how I was even prettier then my picture.
It started to feel a little icky… why do women like this? Anyways, we went out to eat in China Town and he began to unfold the requisite life story. Turns out he had grown up Jewish in a small town in the south, Mississippi, I think. People had been unfathomably cruel to him, they had burned crosses and driven his mother to alcoholism.
They had killed every pet he had ever owned. This guy had been tortured psychologically. It was a lot to take in. As we moved to the dessert course, we talked about the next stage of his life when he moved to Chicago for college. But, his family demons followed him there and he spent the last ten years caring for his mentally ill mother while getting a PhD in math. He told me that he thought life was full of evil and hatred, and then he suggested we go get a drink.
We ended up at a bar where he then guided the conversation to the topic of Israel vs.