First, because of the medium — online dating. Because there are no other social signals like body language or facial expressions, the emotion of your words get exaggerated, hanging out there in cyberspace all on their own. So I counsel both genders to emphasize what they love about their lives in their profiles, what positive qualities in others they value — and in general to offer a picture of how nice, warm, fun, enriching and loving it would be to share in your life.
Stick with positive messaging. Inspire him with the promise of a deeply devoted and delicious sensual life at home that will leave him not only happy and fulfilled… but exhausted.
That is a male fantasy by the way. And, when away from their wives and girlfriends on business trips, plenty of men will group-travel to a strip club so they can have the facsimile experience of a younger woman offering affection, stilted and rehearsed as it may be.
Just as many married women will read romance novels to experience a vicarious thrill and ritualized warm fuzzies For men and for women, we have our ways of allowing our endorphins to be released, which is a pleasant if temporary vacation from the bills, traffic, anxiety, bickering, competition and frustrations of the day not to mention shooing away intimations of mortality. THAT is the great victory in life for most men.
In the absence of that victory, a strip club or a porn video will provide the rush of endorphins and serotonin that makes him feel a bit better about himself for a while. But think about it… The route outward from a porn or strip club experience is generally a tip-toeing from the shadows, and then a cautious re-emergence into the familiar and well-lit world of family, colleagues and actual love. I am SO proud of myself! I LOVE my life! If we, as men and women, are to support each other and help each other self-express and evolve into more aware, considerate, loving beings, it begins with empathy.
It gives us the mojo to do anything at all, really. What I want you to know is that the reward for our labor is the surrender of your smile and the lavishing of your attention which explains why porn actresses are instructed to look into the camera. And, just as in days of old, men throw money as an offering of gratitude and worship. Sex is Communication by Other Means When my sons were young, they asked why sex seemed so off-limits and made adults act weird when it was discussed.
But sex is, definitely, messy. Because humans are messy, despite our excel spreadsheets, traffic lanes and buttoned blouses. Old pains will be triggered and fury, regret, revenge and fear will express itself in pounding fists and wild words, biting teeth and thrashing. Repressed joy will express as demonic screams escaping from hidden cells. Shadow desires will find expression in the search for exquisite pain or restraint. It is dazzling and shocking. All the colors of the human emotional rainbow will blind us in flashes of sexual discovery and release.
Sexuality is not monochrome. It is as varied as our full range of emotional reality. As such, sex allows us to feel parts of ourselves that remain otherwise unfelt and simmering. Which I celebrate, rather than excoriate. My guess is that she has had disappointing experiences with a man around this issue in the past, which is why it hangs as such a red flag in her vision.
Be nuanced, sensitive, varied, exploratory, rigorously clear, playful, true, fiercely honest. And Yet And Yet… Even if you were to make yourself the most skilled and thrilling lover who has ever existed, your man, driven by millennia of stimulation-attraction, may still like to look at a bit of porn now and then! On the other hand, I think it is REQUIRED to set blazingly clear, mutually agreed upon boundaries on actions involving other people — from simple things like what kind of touching is appropriate all the way thorugh having affairs.
Clear agreements around the actions we take create the safety that allows intimacy to flourish. That said, there remains lots of porn that makes so many women rightfully queasy, and I believe that men need to be sensitive to this. For example, most porn is generally made by men for men who are not having sex — so there is a lot of anger being acted out in those scenarios. What feels titillating to men will often seem terrifying to women on a visceral level, often calling up memories of abuse or experience of deep unsafety.
Second, in porn, the pleasure of the woman is almost always subordinate to the visual completion of the man. Women find it difficult enough for men to slow down and smell the roses to say nothing of feeling the stems , without a kind of sexuality that dismisses their needs and desires filling the brains of their guy. Finally, and maybe worst of all — and everyone should consider that impact of this — too much porn destroys the authentic intimate contact between people, because it becomes the filter through which sex is so commonly experienced.
The viewer turns into a consumer and actual intimacy can come to be experienced as yet another consumer event, a mirror of what has been consumed online. So as we progress along this journey of self-discovery, I want to offer some food for thought, that I offer as a springboard for your discussions with each other on porn and strip-clubs and erotica… 1.
Yes, men are more visual than women when it comes to sexuality. Masculine sexuality is pre-programmed to be allured to variety and to youth. Women often remind men that actions speak louder than words. As Jung said, that which gets repressed, will be expressed.
It accepts all instincts and tries to institute practices not to repress them down, but to raise them up in service the good of all beings. Freedom is neither pure nor purely good.
It carries dangers and will often leave feelings hurt and the status-quo threatened. Within the context of intimacy, clear, mutually-agreed upon boundaries on actions actually promotes a whole new realm of freedom. But as any theater-goer will attest, so is Shakespeare. As any art lover will tell you, so is Picasso. As any pundit will tell you, so is politics.
As any therapist will tell you, so is the human heart and all its hurts. And we are each stumbling our way toward self-understanding.