Now I know that writing this is not going to change a thing. Believe it or not, most men do not lie in order to get sex. First of all, here was the premise of my original post: Wait to have sex with him. As always, I was wrong. If you can have sex for the sheer joy of it without any agenda and expectation, then my advice to hold out for a commitment should be completely irrelevant. As irrelevant as me wondering how often I should get a mammogram.
No need to get upset. A woman can wait 6 months 6 days or 6 hours. Alas, it wildly misinterprets what I was suggesting. Holding out for commitment will, in fact, scare the guy away who only wants to get laid.
But it does do one thing: Most of it was completely selfish. I was attracted to them on date 1, 2, or 3. I had no intention of stepping up as a boyfriend. Waiting for some arbitrary time period has never been the point. But since most men do not want the hassle or the emotion of calling you a girlfriend and THEN bailing, by refusing sex without commitment, you weed those guys out.
Understand, if a guy is really into you after 3 dates, you can both agree to give a relationship a shot and have sex. Wait too long and the guy will get it somewhere else. No one is calling you easy for having sex. I think you have all the power in the world: Let me know how that conversation goes.
But choosing a boyfriend is a considerably lower bar to jump than choosing a husband. Which is fine — as long as the woman is up for the insecurity of not knowing where your relationship is headed. Many, as you know, are not. But why put yourself through that? Why not just save intercourse for men who verbally told you that they want to be exclusive with you?
Why remove all expectations from men and expect nothing from them? Men just want to hook up! Now to avoid being misinterpreted: This advice has nothing to do with you and you should have absolutely no criticism of it. I will repeat this two or three more times.
Because my clients who hold out for commitment are not bartering sex for commitment. My clients are taking enough time to see two things: But attraction is not a good predictor of compatibility. So if my clients take a little extra time to get past the initial lust phase and start to see a man clearly, they can usually tell if he is making enough effort to be a boyfriend AND if she likes HIM enough to commit to him.
They will feel righteous, as if the woman is being a prude or playing a game. A confident woman will have absolutely no compunction about telling some overzealous guy that she barely knows to keep his dick in his pants. It takes confidence to be willing to let a cute guy walk away because he is not getting his sexual needs met on his timetable. Another aside for those who have forgotten: Whatever makes you happy.
Many women are not. This advice is for them. A lot of relationships start that way. Most of mine included. When two strangers hop into bed for a night of passion, the dynamic changes, whether you like it or not. Sometimes, he likes your body, but not your personality. Because she has no expectations. And because she has no expectations and is perfectly willing to hop into bed with a guy, you should, too.
Read that list again. Have you ever slept with a man like that? In the act of pursuing sex, he gets to know you better and determines that he really loves being around you. If these interactions are not at least playful and easy from the start, they rarely ever become. No one wants to have to negotiate for sex. And why I would never suggest that a woman come out and say to a man over appetizers: You can understand, right?
If you are willing to take that risk because you love sex so much, more power to you. A woman can say no to intercourse and still be cool, fun, playful, sexual, confident and attractive to men. All it means is that she has her own very reasonable boundaries about when she has sex.
Holding out for sex is not about holding out until marriage, tricking him into a relationship or trying to keep him around. And, as I may have mentioned: